My Better Half

Let me start by saying how much I Love my wife Catrina.
God bless her for having to deal with me!!!
Catrina is a very unique woman.
She is a great mother.
She is an awesome cook.
She loves watching football with me and usually is a lot more vocal than myself.
She loves to read and listens to a unique range of music.
She really enjoys letting go and relaxing (Unfortunately it doesn't happen enough to ease all the stress she has to deal with)
She is not a shopper and does a much better job maintaining our money than I could.
She can see through any story or expression someone is trying to put on her.
She is very straightforward and says exactly what she means.
I cannot communicate very well and when I do I usually say the wrong thing.
First of all let me say I was supposed to and promised her I would talk to her before I joined the military. I didn't!
I am, as a husband supposed to hold up and support her, I don't.
I am, as a husband supposed to treat her with respect and dignity, I don't.
Our future isn't very solid. I'm really hopeful we can, together dig ourselves out as I am just caving in the walls of the hole we're in instead of digging.
Prayers at this point..... are probably..... the only thing holding our thin facade together.


Hopefully I will get back on track with a little counseling

Real Re-Entry

Where do I begin.... how about I'm in the Army now!!!
I would like to say it was a great experience and it was if you don't mind sleep deprivation and starvation. The training was great and could have been better if we could have gotten enough sleep to learn more.
I now know I should have come in as a sergeant instead of a staff sergeant. I was out too long for that pay grade to really be valid. As First Sergeant Torres said "you're fast trackin now"
I really appreciated his confidence in me. That experience should help me prepare for my new position with the 974th.
"Fort Sill sucked" there is no other way explain it. Knowing that I would have to go there and the experience I had I would never have gone in, period.
Sante Fe was OK but just not enough sleep to focus on the lessons and trying to stay awake and not disrespect the cadre was a major issue in itself. The food sucked but that was to be expected.
The training was good and the cadre were knowledgeable and for the most part very respectable.
Camp Stallion began my undoing, there wasn't enough time to handle all the responsibilities that were demanded of the student first sergeant. Motivation is one of the major issues I had, as time went on and the lack of sleep and food built up, I was physically dragging. It seemed that some instructors enjoyed forcing the last group out of the d-fac early. If I wasn't at the end of the line every time this wouldn't have added up on me as it did. The last 2 weeks I was starving at chow time, I walked out of chow hungry 3 times a day.
White Sands was OK if not for the issues above which again contributed to not being able to motivate everyone else especially on the field exercises. I feel someone else younger may have handled it a little better but that is all behind me now. I am definitely glad to be home 20 pounds lighter than when I left. Now on to the rest of my training.

Holy Flush

I never ever thought I would say that I experienced the worst lent in my existence. I totally blew my time. I have been so focused on my problems that I never even went past my meal prayers or did anything meaningful towards our Savior. I have been outside of communion for over 3 months and it looks very sure I won't even be in for Easter mass. I have had a few opportunities at confession lastly and most assuredly in Stillwater last weekend. Father forgive my lack of desire to lay out my faults and ask for forgiveness. Hopefully I can make amends next weekend as Holy Saturday is sitting in my lap as I type.
I am completely and totally feeling the lack of being needed as my military bid is long on hold and may never come around. SSG says there is a lot of restructuring going on and the network is having major trouble. So I think they just don't want and or need me. I have found myself considering the Air Force option as I really don't want to go Navy again. It just wouldn't be the same as MIUW.
Work is looking a little better but I still find myself mentally sliding into another job or getting the magic bullet and getting a Government job in Italy possibly near Rome. That would be 100 times better than winning the lottery which I don't play " due to religious convictions" that's a laugh right now.
Low is good because that is where I'm at right now, hopefully I will find my way out soon, sooner would be a lot better. The only thing I have going for me within me is my ability to sit and wait as apathy is tight all over me like a latex glove. God help me this Easter!!! Hopefully this will be the last passive Easter I ever experience, Ever!!

What If??

What if we wanted to work somewhere based on the fact that we really enjoyed working there?
What if the draw to that particular company was not the money or prestige or anything that falls under the auspices of wantonness need. What if we wanted to work in a place because we loved the environment we work in? What if we knew what kind of work each other did and we enjoyed trading places with them because of the change of pace? What if our boss had to make us go home because we enjoyed what we do so thoroughly? What if the more I made the less I enjoyed the work? What if I knew what I didn't?

On Rejoining the Militay

I for one am not up to the task of trying to justify my existence in this life by throwing in the towel and crying for help.
I do however feel that the way things are going in my work and my personal inattention to happiness with my profession calls me to re access my goals and priorities.
I still think there is more one can do to make a difference in this world. I also feel that feeding the incessant needs of wanton peoples and having the backlash of a company not willing to back it's product's backbone with custom expertise has a major and negative impact on all employees.
We are smack dab in the middle of an era that demands the service industry provide excellent products and the knowledgeable technicians to when needed will have every answer within their grasp.
There is nothing worse than trying to fix something that A) doesn't work quite right B) No one in the place of employment has a 100% grasp of the product C) was designed and installed by consultants who really don't fully know what there doing.
I do not in any way shape or form place the blame on any one person, natural objection would call to mind my supervisor whom I trust 100% and hopefully can emulate. Anyone saying that he is to blame would be dead wrong. He is in a major pickle as the company hasn't given him and others near him the time or the funds needed to train his personnel not to mention care for the second set of facilities.
I personally feel that the company has mis planned (both financially and physically)for the past and current major projects and is trying to keep a listing ship upright.
This and fact I have no ability within the company to try and right and or do damage control; I have sought some refuge within a flawed by very structured system that is and will continue to steeped in honor. I feel that within my own presence I have all but faded into a facade of my former self and the discipline and honor will do me a lot of good. Besides I wish to follow those who carry honor within them rather than those who may feel honor gets in the way of a paycheck.
I also know that this negativity is choking me from my connection with my Lord and Savior whom I should Love above all things. I hope that bringing myself into this system will reintroduce my fervor for worship and trust in prayer through whatever trials and situations may arise.
The last and final reason for this is my personal desire to stay strong and healthy which the desire of doing well and maintaining myself will provide the conduit.
I have and always will maintain my affection for family time which can become ever more sacred with the advent and imminent possibility of activation.
There is nothing more personal or grave as not knowing how much time one has left on this earth. My desire to salvage every moment and make it last while placing my future outside myself will do more for me now. As I know someone can take charge of my life and say go here and do this, I also can build on my foundation of trust in God. This I can take solace in, this I can desire as the ultimate goal.

My Better Half

Catrina,
"In you, I've found the closest, truest friend of my heart."
Inspite of all that has happened and will probably still happen from time to time, you have stayed your course even though I have done my best to screw it up.
I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate all that you do and all that you put up with.
Thank You for loving God with me.
Thank You for hanging with me through tough and sometimes stupid decisions while I try to find my place in this world.
Thank You for loving me unconditionally and accepting me with all your heart.
Thank You for raising our children with me.
Thank You for doing your best to be You.
Thank You for not changing because of things I say or do out of ignorance.
Thank You for putting your life and your health above denial so you can heal.
Catrina I can't imagine being somewhere else and not having you in my life, despite recent decisions and ideas, it wouldn't be the same knowing you weren't part of who I am.
Hopefully and God willing my days and nights will be spent walking hand in hand with you and lying side by side with you until we pass this life.
I Love You!!!

Yearnings

A while has come and gone and many decisions have been disposed of, still many more remain. I recently had a friend join the military after 41 years of being a civilian. I like most people initially thought "what the hell is he thinking?" but I began to look into what he was getting into and decided he was making a good move. I hope as he is still in boot camp at this point that he still feels it was a good move. After initially talking with him when the the news came out I came away with a sense of sincere gratification he had for joining. I never really realized how strong his convictions were in this area.
I often wonder how people justify their existence on this planet we live on. I don't necessarily mean that in a negative way either. I simply think too many of us have no purpose in mind and "simply float through life like lumps of crap" through the septic system. (I did borrow that line from a famous scene of a movie 'A.S. in B.M.')
Everyone should have some purpose greater than themselves or their immediate family that drives them to make decisions based on ideals for the greater good of man. Chris has made such a decision and I am proud to call him a friend. It is selfless actions such as his that makes this country a great country. It is also the lack of these actions that will ultimately lead to its demise. I really feel that leaders of the future will be making true gut wrenching decisions based on moral and ethical considerations rather than personal comfort or polls.
It is in the lack of such leaders that I see things adrift in putrid squalor. Until this country gets off its me kick and starts doing for others rather than asking for handouts from the government then the end is not far off. People need to develop themselves by serving others in some capacity. Everyone able should be required to serve in the military or Peace Corps and experience firsthand the land of notta, until you know what it is like to not have rights or freedom you shouldn't be a member of this great and crumbling nation.
Chris, I salute you for your vision and desire to serve now and in your future endeavours which for now remain future. I understand the desire for service and will support that decision always.
Vivat Jesus !!!

New Leaves

Occasionally one finds the need to change his outlook and broaden his or her horizons. These times may include buying a sports car or a Harley or some other sort of personal present. In my estimation of living on this planet and experiencing what life America brings I feel it is time to step out of the box. I feel the need to experience life on the other side, that is outside the relative comfort and coziness of this my life. Being from simple and rather modest beginnings, and knowing the pains that parental divorce can inflict on ones ego, and now feeling extremely successful and blessed with all a man could ask for I feel I need to step forth into the darkness of extreme uncertainty. How much can we really enjoy this life if we don't try to come into understanding of the conditions that exist outside our realm. Desiring to know and experience life outside can bring one closer to grasping the total picture. Sure on occasion people here can experience a traumatic event and before long everyone falls back into step with every other American marching to the beat of the retirement drummer. I know I don't want to fall into that beat because I feel it isn't correct and that people need to live life as they go. So much of our time is spent in anticipation of some mythical end were we lie around the pool sipping Ensure and waiting for the next game of shuffleboard or horseshoes. why not live as though that tomorrow may never come and enjoy each breath with those who love you. Those who know me know I have always disliked the idea of retiring and feel the devil himself has forced it upon us as a duty when it will actually pull you away ( most cases not all) from God instead of give you time to grow closer.
Basically I mean going into another world and trying to help those less fortunate than 90% of all Americans. Fear really doesn't equate into the picture as I feel I carry many blessings and comforts with me. Rationally it is equivalent to social suicide as I would be walking away from a cushy well paying job and lots of comforts to live in utter squall er and misery while preforming deeds I have been blessed with. I don't expect many people to understand this thinking but I do know that I am loved and supported in all my efforts by Catrina. This is in reality a shot in the dark at a dream of shattering the perception of a comfortable existence. Ideally I feel that will bring me closer to knowing God and understanding our being here. The bud is on the tree and only time and prayer will see if it turns over a new leaf.